March on

Past 6 months have been very eventful. Started my job, got exactly the kind of life partner I wanted, fell in love with her. She's awesome and I would love to write more about her (even knowing that it won't do justice to how really loving and loveable she is) but she's not the reason I'm writing here. It's the internal front that has made me write here.

For some years now, my internal life has been very interesting & exciting. I've been falling throughout have been pulled up. It has been the story all along. There are phases when the internal life has been as dry as desert, even drier. At times lightening illuminated it, at times even a bit of drizzle.

The hardest are the dry phases when I'm chafed by heat & sweat and the burning sand I'm buried in. I try to stand up but fail and I try again & again & again.... Finally I let it consume me & suddenly a hand pulls me up. It's touch alone soothes me, heals me, rejuvenates me. I try to walk again.

The phases with lightening & drizzle are the most wonderful. I walk, I jump in ecstasy, in leaps & bounds I cross the very planes of existence. I fly (to the very amazement of beings who fly for they don't see it in me but when they see the one who makes me fly they smile at me benignly). Wonderful things, what others call miracles I call grace, happen.

Past 6 months have been the driest in my life. I tried to stand, was smashed into the earth. I tried again, was smashed again. And again. And again. Sand in my eyes, my ears, my nostrils. I sniffed it away. Tried to stand again. Result the same. Sand again finding its own way.

At last I gave in. I accepted this sand, I made it a part of me. The march of the sand ceased. Just then a hand came down and lifted me up. The very touch rejuvenated me. I looked up and a drop fell on my brow.

“The drizzle is just around the corner my son,” said a voice. “Stand just a little more. I'm with you.”

PEACE

I don't care what they think about me, my thoughts, my words, my feelings and my actions. 'm the best judge of myself.

I'm not, neither are my thoughts, my words, my feelings &/or my actions for them but myself. I don't want to prove anything to anybody but myself.

At the end of the day, everyone moves on but my inner self will always be with me. I can deceive anyone but myself. If I could be at peace with my innerself, I would be at peace with the world. My peace doesn't depend on anyone (well, nobody's does) but myself.

I'm the source & I'm the destination.

The beginning & the end.

It (THE PEACE) arises deep within me in the form of the most melodious sound. From the innermost sanctum it gushes out tearing apart (positively) the flesh, the bone, the sinew and the skin from between my brows, outside my body. It wraps me around & cocoons me from the chaos outside. And through every pore of my outer skin, it dives within me, marching towards the innermost sanctum & finally merges into the source.

And this loop/flow continues unending, unstopping, incessant.

I remember the first time it came (the sound/melody), slowly at first and then in such a rush that speed itself seemed static. At first I thought it was coming from outside but then I realised that it came from within. It bound me into itself though it had no form. It started pulling me inside. I knew what it was but was afraid. It felt like dying (I never knew how it would feel to die but at that moment i knew). It was wonderful. But I was afraid. Of what? Of myself; my thoughts, words, feelings & actions. It felt like being stark naked in front of the whole world bringing my imperfection into everyone's scrutiny. That instant I knew I was afraid of myself more than anything.

I fought hard to pull myself/my soul back. But from where? It was inside me only. Sensing my fear, it left me be. I regret that. I regret pulling out. What shame is it for a child to be naked in front of his own Father?

Pride

I take pride in myself when things are going right, I think this is me/I doing this though knowing the fact deep in my heart that a puppet can't even move its own finger without the will of its master.

When the most difficult of the things (as they seem) are done, it swells even more.

But then comes a time when the simplest of the things (as they seem) elude me. And my pride stumbles into a corner a-trembling, bends its knees, fold its hands and weeps like it has never wept, finally destroying itself into the submission of one master.

The thing is done.

And my pride swells again.

I look at it, its unabashed flaunting and I smile and pity it for its hollowness. Tabhi har bar ye bajti hai (that's why it gets screwed everytime). All this is done to show me & make me understand this baseless nature, the vanity of pride.

The Music and the Moment

What is this music inside me that never stops? The single unending note that keeps going on and on. Does it come from outside? I concentrate upon it and I realise it comes from deep within! No human device can produce something like it.

I realise - it is not the breaths I intake that keep me alive, nor the pumping of blood by my heart but this music..... It is the source of my being, my existence, my life.

But it is always at the edge of my hearing, like it will fade away into nothingness. And then, sometimes, suddenly from nowhere, it comes in with a great rush, this sound, becoming a mighty roar & it fills me with such unutterable joy that no season, no air, no rain drop, no sight (except the sight of YOU), no warmth, no coldness has ever brought me.

I feel this joy dancing in me, filling me to the brim and then permeating through me, rushing out and inturn, impregnating everything around me. And I become everything and everything becomes I.

Would that be how a mother feels when she hugs her child, that she becomes both the child and the mother?

Would that be how the sun would feel when it shines on a pond, that it becomes both the sun and the pond?

But this moment of undefinable joy passes as quickly as it arrives, differentiating me, separating me from everything else around me, leaving me once again in the swaddles that i must carry until I become the pure joy, LOVE!!

And I await this moment to come to pass again.

YOU

I stand still! Everything's moving fast; to see, I become a tree; I stand still!

Everywhere I see, I see you!

You are in tears and smiles, in prayers and answers, in hopes and efforts. I see you weaving every moment into life. You take care of everything. The puppet moves when the master makes him move.

They stare right at you and pass you by. They seek answers everywhere not knowing that it is always with them, within them. You are the answer to every question.

The musk-deer runs around in search of the aroma of musk, not knowing its within.

From you emanates the very feeling they try to bind in words, love. And they search for it everywhere not knowing that it is always with them, within them. They try to find who's worth their love, not knowing that everyone's worth it for you are the lover and beloved. You are the source, you are the destination.

You are in everyone and everywhere!

I look at the idols, they smile at me. I look at the pictures, they smile at me. I see you smiling at me through them.

I realise the only thing worth accomplishing is you; the only answer to my questions is you, the only music to my heart(not ears) is you, the only love for my love is you.

I sit down. I close my eyes. I see you!!!