Helpless!

Several days have passed since I last made an attempt to write down my emotions.. Emotions are the hardest things to explain because emotions are intangible, something which can not be put into shape by mere words; emotions are devoid of form, no matter how beautifully you try to portray them in words, in the end when you proof-read your own essay, you'd think," Shit! This is nowhere near to what I felt!". But there is nothing that you can do about it. Even now I'm confused if I'm doing justice to EMOTIONS by thus trying to express them in words or should I write something more here to really portray what it feels like to be handicapped? For what is it to explain EMOTIONS if not to portray the helplessness of the dumb?

But the real helplessness of a human being is not in trying to express the EMOTIONS in words but is caused due to the EMOTIONS themselves. The joy of them, the pain of them, all the miracles that they do to you, how wonderfully they shape you. How would life be in the absence of emotions?? Like beings of stones??

For several months now, i've been living the life of a stone. The only thing that made me human, the only fire in my heart burning me yet most beloved to me, left me. I've been trying since then to make myself feel, but to no avail. "Man proposes, God disposes." It's like a child, all alone, away from his parents. Who is there to guide him now? Who is there to hold his finger and lead him towards the path? Who's there to sing lullabies to him and bring an end to his misery? Who's there to pick him up when he falls? Who's there to feed him her milk? Who's there to teach him to live?

But when I look at it broadly, it's just another hide and seek game. In no time they'll be out of their hiding places. And I'll again take refuge under their love and care. And they'll be my shining beacons in the dark nights to guide me and lead me on to the PATH. The feelings of LOVE and SEPARATION!

Love & Meditation

"Jinh prem kiya, tin hi prabh payo!" (Only those who have loved, have met GOD)

There is only one way to meet the beloved.. LOVE. There is no other alternate for love... I asked father once,which is better, LOVE for GOD/MASTER or meditation? Silly question, one might think, but it had its root in the hymns... Every mystic, be it Baba Farid, Bulle Shah, Sultan Bahu, Ravidas, Kabir, Guru sahiban(10 Sikh Gurus), Tulsi sahib, Meera Bai, Sehjo Bai, Charan Das ji, Soami ji (Soami Shiv Dayal Singh ji) etc.all of them were die-hard lovers of their respective Gurus. Take any example, here is one kalaam by Hazrat Sultan Bahu:

"eh tan mera chashma hove, murshid vekh na rajjan hu
luun-luun de mudh lakh-lakh chashma, ik kholan ik kajjan hu
itniyaan dithiyaan sabar na aawe, hor kitey val bhajjan hu
murshid da deedaar hai bahu, lakh karoddaan hajjan hu."
(Let this body of mine be an eye, I would keep watching my Master
millions of eyes be in every pore, if one blinks the others will be open
all of these do not suffice, till what shall i contemplate (you)
Bahu says, to me a glimpse of my Master is equivalent to thousand millions of Haz)

The central emotion of this hymn is love for the master, as Hazrat Sultan Bahu wants every cell of his body to have millions of eyes so that even if one eye closes(to blink), the others can imbibe the sweetness of the Darshan of Guru.
So, father said, meditation ignites the flame of love in the disciple. "Agar guru mehar kar ke shishya(disciple) ko prem ki bakshish dein to alag baat hai warna "guru se lagan kathin hai bhai". Magar jise prem ho jaata hai, uske liye bhajan(meditation) majboori ban jaata hai, wo bina apne pritam(beloved) ke darshan ke reh hi nahi sakta. Isiliye bhajan(meditation) jaroori hai prem paida karne ke liye aur jise prem ho jayega, wo har pal apne priyatam(beloved) ka simran karega".

Yes, it is very true, that a lover always thinks of his/her beloved, always wants to be near her/him, always wants to hear her/his voice. Take example of worldly love(which is not even a trifle as compared to love of God). Lovers go on talking over phone about nothing, but they just want to hear each-other's voice. Those who've had crush would certainly know the importance of walking down the street of their crush after every hour or so, just to get a glimpse of the subject of crush. How enchanting!!. But I'm talking about worldly love where it should be the love of God. Why is it so difficult to love the Master(may be not for all of us)?? What form of love to the Master is to be perceived?? Love Him as a father, mother, friend or beloved?? Or does it matter at all what form it takes for what only matters is the love for Guru..?? Why don't we fall in love with Him? why, O why???
Please let me fall Father for I know you are there to hold me, please make me blind to this world for there are many enchantresses to divulge my weakness and i may see none of them but you, let me cry my heart out for you, let me spend sleepless nights in your remembrance...please let me.... be a lover....

submission

So many days have passed. It seems someone has turned me into stone. No feelings. How long would I be able to sustain my sanity? What sanity? There's nothing left in me. Where have those golden days gone when I used to burn constantly in the fire of love? Where have those days gone when I used to think about you all the time, day or night? Where have those beautiful days gone when unrest used to flow in the very veins of my body along with my blood just because I was away from you? Where has that time gone when every breath used to burn my heart with your name? Where have those moments gone when I used to feel you with me all the time? Where have those nights gone when you used to come to my dreams and love me and take me to other world?
Could a mother forsake a child just because the child is dirty, is all in mud? Would a mother not run to pick her child when the child calls out for her, leaving all her work? Would she not pick the child up and bathe him and kiss him all over and feed him the nectar of her breast?
When a child is stranded in the mud, playing in it but occasionally looking up expectantly at his mother, need the child call for her? Do his eyes not say everything?
I'm deprived of everything. I'm in mud. Do you not see me looking up to you expectantly? Do I need to call you out? Does my weeping heart not knock at your heart? Does my wailing heart not shiver you up? Do my tears not melt you? Would you not pick me up?
You must have millions like me but I have none other than you. All my trust is on you. I have come to you forsaking all, would you not accept me? Would you not keep my trust? I'm powerless, I always have been. I submit myself to you. I'm but your puppet, command me as you will. ACCEPT ME!

"Master of Masters! listen to my plaint:
whom else shall I address?
to me there is no other like you;
to you there are millions like me.
Read not my scroll of evil deeds,
shut not your door on this wretched soul.
Had I not been steeped in sin, says Bahu,
on whom would you have showered your mercy?"
-HAZRAT SULTAN BAHU.

Truth

Today's fortune: Change is the law of life.

My eyes embraced this sentence as i opened my orkut account. "Change is the law of life". I found it hard to negate this sentence. Since childhood, we have seen many changes. Many a birth, many a death, environmental changes, technological changes, nights changing into days and days into nights, summers changing into monsoon and monsoon into winter. There are some changes which we can't see but percieve and these perceptions could be backed by some data; changes in the value system of human beings, changes in behaviour and feeling. The very fact that our own body is undergoing change year by year is evident enough that change is indeed an inherent part of life. So some people do say that life is synonymous to change.

As a kid i wanted to know what is truth, the definition of truth. I heard many but none of them could tempt me. Then one fine day, i came across something very convincing and that was a litmus test for truth. A TRUTH IS WHICH NEVER CHANGES, TRUTH IS UNCHANGEABLE. This is the attribute of truth, it's non-changing behavior. Truth has no distortion. It is beyond distinctions of time, space and person. Thus change might be the law of life, but 'change' in itself is not true for the change is also changing. What is 'change' for today will be accepted as normal tomorrow and thus another 'change' will replace it.

The Black Day!

Oh! What black day,
that you came and I was sleeping.
The wind was howling to wake me up
& my sleep in pity was weeping.

I had come to meet you
For so many days had passed
My light was diminishing
& darkness all around had amassed.

The sun was dazzling overhead
I lied down to escape it
My thoughts buried me deep
& I fell into slumber bit by bit.

Oh! What black deed
that you passed by me unnoticed.

Let my wretched sleep be cursed
For the golden moment of your visit passed
& I lay there like the dead
with my sleep smiling at me unabashed.

I accept what you give, Master
& in your debt is my every pore
for I have understood at last
that like me, my yearning is also yours.
--- Yogi---

LAMP

Like a wick of a lamp burns my heart,
In your remembrance night and day,
& it shows me the path with its light
But ever so weak, ever so dim.

The gusts of my own folly blows at it
And the light of my will wavers
Still it burns, it never dies
But ever so weak, ever so dim.

Darkness presses me from all directions
And the cold gnaws at my marrow
Yet the lamp holds my will
But ever so weak, ever so dim.

I wait here for it is promised you will appear
And you will bring the light of sun
And my faith in that promise remains
But ever so weak, ever so dim.

Is the disciple not ready?
For you have not appeared yet
And the cries of my anguish rings around
But ever so weak, ever so dim.
---- Yogi

Pain

My nights wither away in remembrance
My days spent in waiting
I look up at sky, clouds obscure the sun
I wait for the wind to sweep away the clouds
So that a ray of hope can reach me
I’m stoned on the porch awaiting your return...

I keep looking at the road
It winds away in distance as far as I can see
Hoping to see you coming back to me
Many come and many go, but I’m still alone
You must have reasons to stay back
But I’m only yours so come and take me
It rains but I still burn in agony of your separation
Where's the peace???
I want to tear away my limbs
I can't bear this anymore; will you not end this torment???
My breaths come haltingly and I gasp all the time
My eyes always hurt from lack of blinking
In case you appear for a moment and I miss
My tongue has forgotten to move from lack of use
I’ve lost count of days & nights I’ve been standing here
No postman has yet brought your message
And the fire is still burning me, charring me
If I do not see you, I do not know what I will do
The pain alone would be enough to kill me
You know my plight, but you still are absent
How can you be so cruel, O! Heart of my heart!
Your remembrance fills me and your yearning kills me
They say you'll arrive when I die
I wish death would embrace me here and now
So that YOU would come and visit me
Every atom of my worthless body screams for you
Will you not take me?? O! Soul of my soul!??
People come and advise me
But they do not know what is churning inside me
They come and give me medicines
But they do not know what I suffer from
Your sight alone can cure me
Me, your love alone can heal
What shall I write, master!
Even the words fall short of what I feel!!!
(Every rain drop burns me, what is there in life without you O MASTER!!!!)
----- Yogi…

LOVE- I

Like a spider spins web and sits in the centre, so does my solitude; veiling itself by creating barriers around itself. No wonder why my solitude remains.. what, solitary(?). Not that i didn't try to be a part of crowd but everytime i tried to mix up, i found myself alone. My every attempt (to mix with the crowd) has failed till now, simply because I, myself have failed. Again and again i'm drawn back to the centre, where my solitude welcomes me lovingly, embracing me as a brother. Only if i could embrace it likewise, i would not be..... solitary, for in my solitude is my companionship. Irony is that as long as i'll seek companionship, i'll be solitary and when i'll embrace the solitude, it will emerge as a strong companionship. Strange it may sound but it is the truth.

Man has ever wanted to be loved for love is the essence of man and i'm just another human being of the same essence. This striving of man is as natural as the striving of the fish for the water, the striving of plants for sunlight, the striving of moon-bird for moon. But no matter how much love the man gets, it is never enough for him, for a drop will always strive to become an ocean by submerging all the drops that it comes in contact with in itself and thus ending the duality (between the drops) and entering into singularity. Singularity, the only law of love.

To be contd.

The Mighty Offender!

I love sleeping!!

Back at college, didn't get much time to sleep, but now that i'm home for Summer Internship, sleeping covers a big part of the day. Reading my favourite books till late night, waking up late in the morning, not a good habit many might say, but i'm enjoying it.

Mom brings me a 750ml mug full of milk every morning. I drink it all without even opening my eyes, nothing should hinder my lovely sleep not even the tasty milk and after finishing off the last drop, i fall back on my pillows... my lovely sleep!!

"Chachu!" a voice would knock at my ear drums...!!
"ummmmmm!!!!!"

SLAP!!!!!!!!

How's that for a knocking at my ear drums!!?

"OOOOOOOOOiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, what was that for??!!"

Meet the mighty offender:
Yuvaan Arya,

80cm tall bare bottomed boy weighing a mighty 9.62kgs precisely, 15months old, trots like a drunkard and has got a total of 5 teeth. That, people, is my nephew (brother's son) Yuvaan aka nonu.

As soon as i shout for help, he'll run for it and i'll run after him, not to beat him but to make sure he doesn't stumble and break his few precious teeth with which he bites the skin off everyone of us. He's a champ at slapping, biting and peeling the skin off with his bare nails.

He'll sit beside me while i'll try to play my guitar, he'll stop me immediately and start pulling the strings himself as if showing me how to play the instrument properly. Always calls his mom by name rarely calls her 'mom'!

My sleep will hide in a corner a-trembling from this mighty assault. Sleep, for me, is nothing as compared to Yuvaan. He's the sweetest thing i've got.

Thus wakes me up and plays with me, the naked offender!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1

"For a person to be happy, his thoughts, words, feelings and actions should be in tandem," said one of the two I was advised to stay away from on my first day in KIAMS and I ended up getting closest to them. I sat back and gave it a thought. The statement made sense and it answered my question,"How do you stay happy?". If what you think is what you feel and what you feel is what you say and what you say is what you do, then you will be happy.